


Franklyn Froideveaux, Matchmaker

by extremelyperturbed



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Fluff and Crack, M/M, non-cannibalism AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 16:52:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extremelyperturbed/pseuds/extremelyperturbed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannibal rewritten as a romantic comedy with Franklyn as a matchmaker for the pickiest client ever.  Pure unadulterated crack.  Hannibal is not necessarily a cannibal in this universe but still manipulative and unswerving in getting what he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Franklyn Froideveaux, Matchmaker

“Damn it!” swore Franklyn as he hung up his cell phone. His client Tobias Budge had just chewed his ear off about the date with Hannibal Lecter he had set up. The French restaurant had been perfect. And yes, Hannibal was everything that Tobias had been told: smart, educated, cultured and sharply dressed. But from the second they met, everything had gone wrong. Nothing Tobias said or did seemed to strike their target and Hannibal, if anything, seemed more and more dismissive and disinterested with each passing second. Hannibal had left the dinner table saying he didn’t even want to be friends.

“I think,” Tobias had said during his harangue, “that Hannibal is thinking of someone else! Do not send me on a date so I can be someone’s rebound!”

Hannibal was one of Franklyn’s worst clients. None of the people he had set him up with clicked with him. The closest he had come to finding someone to Hannibal’s satisfaction was Abigail Hobbs. Hannibal had found her charming in some ways but found that the age difference and her life story made him feel paternal feelings for her rather than romantic ones. This was the best of a hundred dates that never had seconds.

***

“You seem to be in a good mood lately,” noted Hannibal as he and Will had another of their talks. He took a sip from his wine glass.

“I guess you could say that,” said Will with a rare genuine smile that bordered on giddy.

“Has Jack stopped scolding you?”

Will sighed. “No, Jack’s still Jack. I’ve been using a dating service and so far it’s been working out for me.”

“A dating service?”

Will turned away, a bit embarrassed. “I know that you don’t need a service like that but with my problems, it’s hard for someone like me to find someone who likes me as I am.”

“I think you’re underselling yourself. Have you found someone?”

“So far it’s been just fun, nothing serious. Last Saturday, I did some clay pigeon shooting then went out for fish and chips. I have another date set up with someone else this Saturday.”

Hannibal narrowed his eyes. “What is the name of your dating service? Do you have a business card? I may use it as a resource for my patients.”

Will dug into his pockets then handed him one. The card was an creamy white with cursive script saying, “Franklyn Froideveaux.”

Hannibal drank the rest of his wine glass.

***

“Franklyn?”

“Yes, Hannibal,” said Franklyn as he looked up from his computer at his office at his irritated client.

“I just found out that Will Graham is one of your clients.”

“And?”

“Why have you not set me up with him?”

“What? Are you serious?” Franklyn could feel his neurons slowly start to explode.

“I am being perfectly serious.”

“On my entire database system, you two would be the least compatible pairing EVER.” He knew he was pissing Hannibal off but at this point, he couldn’t care less. What is he going to do, wring my neck? Franklyn thought.

“Why is that?”

“Why? You like opera and concerts, he likes fishing and hiking. You are a neat freak and he has five dogs, maybe more. You only drink and eat the best; he could be happy at a greasy diner. I also have to think of Will and what he wants. What he needs is someone warm and fuzzy. You’re the least warm and fuzzy person I know. Even I’m way more compatible with you than he is.”

“I strongly doubt that.” Hannibal felt a trifle ill at the thought.

“And then there’s the kicker.”

“Kicker?”

“He prefers women.”

“Nobody’s perfect.”  
***  
Hannibal?” said Will when he saw Hannibal walk towards him with a picnic basket. Will had been told to wait for his mystery date at the local park. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for my date.”

“I’m also . . . Wait, did you join the dating service?”

“Yes,” said Hannibal, failing to mention that he had joined the service more than two years ago.

“And he matched us up?”

“We’re both here,” said Hannibal. He decided not to mention the fact that he had browbeat Franklyn into doing so or that the browbeating might be a little on the literal side. “You . . . wanted it to be someone else?”

Will smiled at him. “No, I‘m actually glad it‘s you.”

They both sat down at a picnic table. “I brought a few things too,” said Will. Will opened his backpack and pulled a few containers out. He pulled back the lid of one to show strawberries that were shaped like tiny little hearts and had an intense sweet smell. “Try one.”

Hannibal took one and bit into the fruit’s red flesh. “It’s delicious.” Hannibal wasn’t being polite. The one thing he didn’t lie about was the quality of food. “Where did you buy this?”

“I didn’t buy them,” said Will. “I was sleepwalking when I woke up in the woods where they were growing. I’m lucky that I didn’t wake up in a patch of poison ivy. If you like, I can get you more.”

***

“I had a really nice time,” said Will as he walked Hannibal to the door of his house. They had watched the play “Much Ado About Nothing,” one of a series of plays that was being performed outside in the center of the park during the summer. Afterwards, they went to a café and chatted over how well Beatrice and Benedict were portrayed while the main couple seemed completely lacking in comparison.

“As did I,” said Hannibal. Knowing that Will was not likely to take the initiative, he put his hands on Will’s shoulders and kissed him. He could feel Will tense slightly in surprise then relax.

The small moment of sweetness was interrupted by a scream of “YOU CHOSE THAT OVER ME?”

Hannibal turned and saw a very angry Tobias. “Are you stalking me?” Hannibal said, his voice chilly

“I wanted to satisfy my curiosity as to who could possibly be occupying your thoughts. I thought he would be somebody worthier.”

“I went out with you once. You do not own me,” said Hannibal, wishing that he had his meat tenderizer in hand so he could whomp the hell out of Tobias for ruining the best date ever.

“Hannibal, is he threatening you?” said Will.

“Please, Will, leave me to take care of this man myself.”

Tobias began storming towards them holding something in his hand when Will jumped in front of Hannibal and . . .

“MY EYES ARE MELTING!” howled Tobias as he writhed on the ground, crying in agony.

It took all of Hannibal’s willpower to keep from looking hopelessly pleased. “What did you spray him with?”

“It’s pepper spray. I take it with me when I’m walking my dogs. It’s super strong because it’s meant for bears and other dogs. I don‘t know what it does to people.”

“I’ll call 911." Hannibal turned his back to keep his smile from showing while calling on his cellphone.

‘FRANKLYN OWES ME A REFUND!”

***  
After the police took a report and an ambulance took a still sobbing Tobias away, Will said, “I’m sorry.”

“There is nothing to be sorry about. Who knows what he was going to do to me?”

“Do you want me to keep you company tonight? You must be shaken up.”

Yes, thought Hannibal, a situation I can manipulate to my complete advantage. “I would deeply appreciate your company tonight.”

The End


End file.
